G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

GI Joe Theatrical Poster

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Release Date:2009
Starring:Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans, Rachel Nichols, Ray Park
Director: Stephen Sommers
Rated PG-13

I will be up front with this movie. I did not grow up with G.I. Joe nor do I know any of the characters. Although, over time I have figured out their names, their ideals and come to my own conclusions. Also, I had no expectations when watching this movie. I went in believing that it was a stinker which is the reason I never saw it in theaters. Now, I bring you my full review of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

The movie starts out in 15th century France where they punish one of the clan members of the Scottish McCullen clan. He is punished for selling weapons to France’s enemy and he must wear an iron mask straight from the casting fire for the remainder of his life. He is now known to the people as Destro, destroyers of kingdoms. This is important information because in the not too distant future on of his ascendents, James McCullen(played by Christopher Eccleston), is now a weapons manufacturer selling weapons to the United States. When the Army is transporting the newest weapon from the manufacturer they are attacked by an unknown aircraft and soldiers that cannot be destroyed. After a somewhat Hollywood action segment The Joes, as they call themselves, intervene and help out our main characters that learn about the new covert operations regime.

Now, before I start berating this absolutely unbearabable piece of trash I want to showcase my initial thoughts of the film. If the characters weren’t live, but drawn like cartoons and this was a 20 minute television show then this would be a great movie. Otherwise, this movie isn’t terrible until someone starts talking. It was very funny to see how a lot of these great actors were able to portray such flamboyant cartoon characters so well. Let’s start with Channing Tatum who plays Duke. His acting was more robotic than Hayden Christiansen’s Anakin Skywalker. Everytime he either had a smart ass remark or sly one-liner I thought I was going to puke. Why doesn’t this man just go back to his tweeny bopper dance movies and leave action to people that can act better than he can. Now, Marlon Wayans is my least favorite of the Wayans family because he is just….not funny. I guess he was supposed to be the comic relief in this movie? His comedy and sly remarks towards Scarlet were so forced that it was funny because it was so stupid. Everyone acted decent except for the two main characters that we are made to believe are decorated war heroes which after 20 minutes I highly doubt. All they have are egos and what seems like basic boot camp training.

All in all I did not like this movie. It was such garbage with the stupid over the top action and poor acting. There is one thing, though, I believe that a sequel may be better than this one. Although G.I. Joe was utter trash of cinema, I think that a sequel might save it now that we understand where the characters come from and the cobra commander has been brought to light. Rent this or just wait for it to be shown in perpetuity on HBO soon. Do not buy this movie unless you have children under the age of six and can enjoy the crap that is filmed.

Shocktober #31 – Midnight Shock Rock Opera

For the final film of the shocktober marathon, I would like to introduce and old favorite and a new favorite. Both of these films have great music and surprising casts. I can see myself watching these for the rest of my life. The first is one I have been watching for the past year and I got to go to the Chicago premiere. The latter is an old musical favorite that I have watched pretty much my whole life. So, in advance, thanks for reading this month and stay tuned for more reviews of the new and old happenings in hollywood film in the near future. Stay updated by being my friend on facebook or following my twitter!

 

Repo Poster

Repo! The Genetic Opera
Release Date: 2008
Starring:
Director: Darren Lynn Bousman
Rated R

 

Seventeen and you can’t stop me! Seventeen and you won’t boss me! You cannot control me father! Daddy’s girl’s a fucking monster! -Shilo

 

If you know me personally you have probably heard of this opera. Masterfully done, this epic is a Shakespearean style storyline that deals with death, disease, and deception. Set in the future, an epidemic of organ failure has plagued the world with death. The only way to fix the diseased is to offer manufactured organs to the public and offer financing options on all types of surgery. The only problem is that you have ninety days of liquid before you get your Repo treatment. Geneco, the main corporation offering the organ financing, has Repo agents in the field that will repossess your vital organs. The repo men are feared by all including Geneco as what they do is protected by the government.

Me(left), Terrence Zdunich(center),Darren Lynn Bousman(right)

Lionsgate was so afraid of this movie that it was not released theatrically nationwide. No, writer Terrence Zdunich and director Darren Lynn Bousman, had to take this show on tour to major cities for “One Night Only” shows at small theaters. Thankfully, Chicago had a following of Repo lovers and I was able to see this version in the theater. After the show, Darren and Terrence were able to have a Q&A where a lot of questions were answered about the release and production. So, give this one a chance. It is extremely different and nothing I have ever seen before. An amazing story, extraordinary musical score, and drama that keeps you on your toes.

 

 

Rocky Horror Picture Show Poster

Rocky Horror Picture Show
Release Date:1975
Starring: Tim Curry, Susan Surandon, Meatloaf
Director:Jim Sharman

 

Frank-n-Furter it’s all over. Your mission is a failure, your lifestyle’s too extreme. I’m your new commander. You are now my prisoner. We return to Transylvania. Prepare the transit beam. -Riff Raff

 

Rocky Horror is a movie I watch on Halloween every year. Another great musical, with a suprising cast of characters, it is about Brad and Janet. This cute couple who recently engaged were on their way to share their news of the engagement with their college Professor. On the way, they get a flat tire and they result to going to the nearest castle to try and call for help. They are in for a night they will never forget.

 

Filled with sex, drugs, rock ‘n roll, and science, Rocky Horror is synonymous with the midnight movie. Being the first obscure musical with subject matter that was not in the popular consensus, this movie struggled to be a hit. Although it was tough one to get made, it was an instant hit in the major cities and a movie I will cherish throughout the rest of my life.

 

 

Something old, something new, two movies I thought would close out this Halloween season well. I hope you all enjoyed this marathon as much as I did. I was able to revisit old movies that I haven’t seen in a long time and I was able to showcase a couple new movies of similar genres. Stay tuned for a special movie post for “Dios de los muertos” this Sunday, November 1.

 

Shocktober #30 – The Crow

The Crow
Release Date: 1994
Starring: Brandon Lee, Ernie Hudson
Director: Alex Proyas
Rated R

Greed is for amateurs. Disorder, chaos, anarchy: now that’s fun! -Top Dollar

The Crow is a simple story of a gang that terrorizes the local tenants for payment on devil’s night. When they choose the wrong life to take after throwing Eric Draven out of his apartment window. His spirit still flies free. One year later he returns in the form of a crow to avenge his death and his girlfriends. Filled with blood, breathtaking scenes, fantastic story telling and characters to be remembered forever, The Crow is one that is a must see for any film fan.

I thought The Crow would be a fitting choice for the Devil’s Night pick for shocktober. Although not very shocking, it does include: rape, murder, vengeance, drug abuse, racism, Detroit, and the all important rock and roll. The Crow is easily one of my all-time favorite comic book adaptations. The story that happened while it was finishing up the production is the shocking part. Brandon Lee you are missed.

Shocktober #29 – Haute Tension

High Tension French Poster

High Tension
Release Date: 2003
Starring:Cécile de France, Maïwenn Le Besco
Director: Alexandre Aja
Rated R

The fourth and final European film to be added to Shocktober is High Tension. It’s yet another French horror film to make it to the list. It’s about two friends, girls believe it or not, that go back home to rural France. Within twenty minutes in the film we discover our main character that has emotional problems is curious lesbian. When she makes it to bed in the attic guest room a strange character arrives to the home. This strange man slaughters the whole family in regular brutal French fashion. In one scene the man of the household’s head becomes decapitate by way of a dresser. You will have to see that one to believe it.

When I went to screen the film at my local movie house I was the only in the auditorium. This was perfect as I had to read the movie and it helped me concentrate on the dynamic storyline without interruption. Man, was I amazed as the story is played out. The acting is alright, but its the unspoken emotions that are seen in the faces of the characters that are great. This is another good one to take in on a rainy afternoon. Check it out on Netflix or buy it from Amazon.

Shocktober #28 – Martyrs

Martyrs Poster

Martyrs
Release Date: 2009
Starring:Morjana Alaoui, Mylène Jampanoï
Director: Pascal Laugier
Rated R

According to Wikipedia, a Martyr is someone who is persecuted and punished to death for not renouncing their beliefs. Usually involves religion or some sort of religious belief. Martyrs is a film of about a group of people trying to create martyrs to try and collect information of the afterlife.

The movie is about a girl who escapes an abandoned warehouse where we find out she has been abused and beaten. Since she has no family she is sent to an orphanage where she befriends another orphan. These two girls become best friends. Anna, the main heroine, is visited by creatures of some sort which we are to believe are because of the trauma sustained from the warehouse incident. When the two girls grow up, Anna, finds her captors and unleashes righteous judgement. Now, the real story unfolds as we learn new information on who Anna’s captors are and why they chose her.

Thoroughly an absolutely brutal film from France. In order to create a martyr there is more brutal punishment than you think. I was shocked at how much punishment was dealt on the heroines of the story. I just can’t find any other words other than just brutally real. Check this one out on Netflix, or just pick it up at Amazon as this is a great film to watch on a lazy Sunday.

Shocktober #27 – Inside

Inside
Release Date:2007
Starring:Franck Ribiere, Rodolphe Guglielmi, Frederic Ovcaric
Director:Alexandre Bustillo, Julien Maury
Rated R

In the past few years France has given us some truly disturbing images of horror that cannot be unseen. Inside is not different from such classics. It tells a story about two cars that get into a car crash during a down pour of rain. One car’s occupants include a man and a woman with child. Cut to almost a year later. There are riots in the streets of Paris and tumultuous times are ahead for population of France. On the eve of Christmas, our heroine is getting ready to have her baby. That is, until darkness falls, and a strange visitor is harassing her at her secluded home. Watch the terror through the stalker’s eyes and see the fear that can be stricken into the undeserving, for what you seek is Inside.

Although, I have watched this film a few times it is still troubling to swallow what is happening on the screen. The first time I viewed it I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. The images that are portrayed are truly disturbing and hard to stomach. This is not for the faint of heart and if you enjoy the macabre, then dig in. Spectacularly acted and well done. This is definitely one of the Frenchies’ best in my book. Check it out as it is available at your local retailer.

Shocktober #26 – The Descent

The Descent
Release Date: 2007
Starring:Shauna Macdonald, Natalie Mendoza, Alex Reid
Director: Neil Marshall
Rated R

Hailing from the UK, The Descent, was a smash hit and quickly became a cult favorite in the United States. It’s centered around a band of friends who go on a camping trip where they descend into a cave. This cave is charted according to their sporty group leader. What they find in the cave is unknown. The cave is inhabited by something not of this world and the girls find out quickly that there is no escape.

Surpisingly creepy, throroughly intense, this film will put you right on the edge of your seat. It goes for some cheap scares, but the thrill of them cave diving and not know where the tunnels lead or if they can escape is intense. There is such emotion in each character you practically love all of them. They are built so well that you feel sorry for some, but you want the adventure to continue. Wonderfully acted, beautifully directed, some of the scenes are breathtaking and you won’t take your eyes off of The Descent.

Shocktober #25 – Hostel

Special Edition DVD Poster (my favorite)

Hostel
Release Date: 2005
Starring:Jay Hernandez, Derek Richardson, Eyþór Guðjónsson
Director: Eli Roth

Completely underrated, Hostel, goes down as one of my favorite horror films of the last decade. Set in Slovakia, it centers around three backpackers who have ventured all around Europe looking for that unique experience. When that experience finds them it takes them all by surprise.

This was a suprise release in the winter of 2005, in my humble opinion. When I walked into the theater I had no expectations on how this picture was going to be played out. A lot of people think this is a softcore porn-horror film, but I beg to differ. There are only a couple of scenes that even showcase sex and maybe a couple more that involve nudity. What inspired Eli Roth behind this dark story was a website in Japan that sold tourists to the highest bidder for the bidders pleasure. Eli mainly centers around the death and macabre of the story. But does this really happen? Human trafficking is definitely a big deal especially in Eastern Europe, but is it possible that this story could really play out day after day? That is what made this movie so special to me is the realism. The question of if this happens in other countries. Does it happen in our own? Only the shadow knows.(10 points for people that understand that one.)

Shocktober #24 – Grindhouse Double Feature

Planet Terror Poster

Planet Terror
Release Date: 2006
Starring:
Director: Robert Rodriguez
Rated R

Don’t shoot yourself. Don’t shoot each other. And especially… don’t shoot me. -Sheriff Hague

Who didn’t see this one coming? Planet Terror is the first feature film that follows the first mock trailer for Machete (which is in post production). It stars the likes of past and present superstars of the genre that include: Freddy Rodriguez, Jeff Fahey, Michael Biehn, Josh Brolin and Rose McGowan. This is not only an original work, but an homage to the schlock 80s horror film genre.

Planet Terror is basically a zombie action-horror picture. It starts out with an underground government deal over a toxic chemical that goes awry. When inoculated, this chemical has drastic effects on the physical body and mental state. Victims of the chemical turn into monster-like zombies that seem to decompose at an alarming rate. Definitely not the chemical one would want to ingest regularly. When the deal goes south the chemical gets released as an airborne pathogen and infects the local townspeople. It takes a small band of misfits to thwart this evil and escape from certain death and disfigurement.

One of the best things about this picture is the time and detail Robert Rodriguez put into the actual look and feel. It has dust scratches, terrible audio in some scenes, cigarette burns, and missing footage. It absolutely has the authenticity of a movie that made it’s rounds through the national circuit of theaters. Talk about a fun 90 minutes. Planet Terror has you rooting for the good guys. From the ex-federale El-Wray to the one-legged go-go dancer. This movie hits on all cylinders as a heart racing, action packed zombie thrill ride fun for the whole family.

Death Proof European Poster

Death Proof
Starring: Sidney Poitier, Kurt Russell, Rosario Dawson
Director: Quentin Tarantino
Rated R

 

Because it was a fifty fifty shot on wheter you’d be going left or right. You see we’re both going left. You could have just as easily been going left, too. And if that was the case… It would have been a while before you started getting scared. But since you’re going the other way, I’m afraid you’re gonna have to start getting scared… immediately! -Stuntman Mike

Unlike the prior film, Death Proof is more of a suspenseful action-thriller than horror but it is necessary for shocktober because those movies are generally equally shocking. Quentin Tarantino uses real special effects to make his production more authentic for the viewer. The car crashes are real and the chase scenes involve true danger just as the movies that inspired it did.

The main focus in the story is about the former stunt man…Stuntman Mike as he eerily stalks a group of women while they are out on prowl. This sick man follows the women into a local tavern and finally interacts with them all. When they all leave the tavern in a drunk stupor Stuntman Mike follows them to a secluded road where he then hits in high gear and hits them in a head on collision. Stuntman Mike’s automobile is made to be Death Proof leaving him in the hospital and the girls in their graves. After he is healed up he heads halfway across the country to Tennessee to stalk again.

Quentin Tarantino follows suit with Planet Terror by keeping along with the style that you are viewing an ancient film. Terrible audio, obvious recycled backgrounds, and more missing reels continue with the authenticity of used, dried up film. Fantastically done and wonderfully acted by an all-star cast, Death Proof should not be missed.

First things fucking last.(10 points to whomever understands that opener) If you want the modern experience go ahead and buy them separately. Do not rent these just buy them. They are two perfectly executed films. Secondly, to get the full experience that these movies convey try to catch Grindhouse on Starz! or Netflix instant. As the DVDs are a fine choice the full experience of a double feature is lost. When you watch the double feature it begins with a trailer of Machete, the Planet Terror. After Planet Terror, the viewer is greeted with three more mock trailers that are directed and starring some Hollywood superstars of yesterday and today. I was able to catch this in the theater twice and it is an experience I will never forget.I have seen these movies so many times I can recite them. It’s 150 minutes of just good old plain fun. Don’t take my word just keep your eyes open for when Grindhouse becomes available on the television or Netflix.

Shocktober #23 – Redneck Zombies

Redneck Zombies

Redneck Zombies
Release Date: 1987
Starring:Not necessary
Director: Pericles Lewnes
Rated R

“You Quit Your Sassin Boy, I Pulled You Out Of Your Mother And I’ll Shove You Right Back In!”

Banned in Germany, Redneck Zombies, is one of the very first straight to video concepts to ever be released. Very low budget, very schlocky, this is the best way to end the Troma-fest. This film should be watched by anyone who enjoys a good zombiefest. But, like all good Troma movies, I reccommend that you watch it with some buddies and perhaps a few beers.

Redneck Zombies is about a some school kids going camping and a handful of rednecks making moonshine in the woods. In the woods, there is a barrel of toxic waste left by the government and because the rednecks cannot read properly they try to use the stuff as an ingredient in their moonshine. The kids stumble upon the small band of rednecks and becomes a fight to survive the Redneck Zombies

Finally this movies was released on DVD in January as a 20th anniversary two years too late but whatever. You can get this from Netflix but I would just buy it because this is a classic that should be had by everyone. Definitely is a campy, crappy film but it has some amazing one-liners that can be found in pop culture today. Check it out, tell me what you think.