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G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

November 3, 2009 1 comment

GI Joe Theatrical Poster

GI Joe Theatrical Poster

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Release Date:2009
Starring:Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans, Rachel Nichols, Ray Park
Director: Stephen Sommers
Rated PG-13

I will be up front with this movie. I did not grow up with G.I. Joe nor do I know any of the characters. Although, over time I have figured out their names, their ideals and come to my own conclusions. Also, I had no expectations when watching this movie. I went in believing that it was a stinker which is the reason I never saw it in theaters. Now, I bring you my full review of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

The movie starts out in 15th century France where they punish one of the clan members of the Scottish McCullen clan. He is punished for selling weapons to France’s enemy and he must wear an iron mask straight from the casting fire for the remainder of his life. He is now known to the people as Destro, destroyers of kingdoms. This is important information because in the not too distant future on of his ascendents, James McCullen(played by Christopher Eccleston), is now a weapons manufacturer selling weapons to the United States. When the Army is transporting the newest weapon from the manufacturer they are attacked by an unknown aircraft and soldiers that cannot be destroyed. After a somewhat Hollywood action segment The Joes, as they call themselves, intervene and help out our main characters that learn about the new covert operations regime.

Now, before I start berating this absolutely unbearabable piece of trash I want to showcase my initial thoughts of the film. If the characters weren’t live, but drawn like cartoons and this was a 20 minute television show then this would be a great movie. Otherwise, this movie isn’t terrible until someone starts talking. It was very funny to see how a lot of these great actors were able to portray such flamboyant cartoon characters so well. Let’s start with Channing Tatum who plays Duke. His acting was more robotic than Hayden Christiansen’s Anakin Skywalker. Everytime he either had a smart ass remark or sly one-liner I thought I was going to puke. Why doesn’t this man just go back to his tweeny bopper dance movies and leave action to people that can act better than he can. Now, Marlon Wayans is my least favorite of the Wayans family because he is just….not funny. I guess he was supposed to be the comic relief in this movie? His comedy and sly remarks towards Scarlet were so forced that it was funny because it was so stupid. Everyone acted decent except for the two main characters that we are made to believe are decorated war heroes which after 20 minutes I highly doubt. All they have are egos and what seems like basic boot camp training.

All in all I did not like this movie. It was such garbage with the stupid over the top action and poor acting. There is one thing, though, I believe that a sequel may be better than this one. Although G.I. Joe was utter trash of cinema, I think that a sequel might save it now that we understand where the characters come from and the cobra commander has been brought to light. Rent this or just wait for it to be shown in perpetuity on HBO soon. Do not buy this movie unless you have children under the age of six and can enjoy the crap that is filmed.

Breaking Trailer – The Crazies (2010)

October 20, 2009 Leave a comment

As I have said before, I despise remakes and I am not very fond of sequels. Breck Eisner’s remake of a Romero classic has my fingers crossed for a good movie. The trailer doesn’t look too bad, but considering the original was recorded in mono audio there should be improvements with the new movie. It looks basically the same although there are some obvious rewrites and modernizations. Let’s hope for the best for Michael Eisner’s son and hope that The Crazies is no holds barred.

Categories: New Movies

Shocktober – Honorable Mention – Trick ‘r Treat

October 6, 2009 Leave a comment

Trick 'r Treat Poster/DVD Art

Trick 'r Treat Poster/DVD Art

Trick ‘r Treat
Release Date:2008
Starring: Anna Paquin, Brian Cox, Dylan Baker
Director: Michael Dougherty
Rated R

I didn’t think this was ever going to come out. Well, it’s out now, kiddies. On DVD today, this movie is played out much like Creepshow. Except all four of the stories are interwoven instead of conveying a message. It’s about a small town in Ohio that loves the traditions of Halloween. So much so, that trick or treating is taken very, very, very seriously. It starts out with a couple walking home from the Halloween parade. The husband loves Halloween but on the other hand the wife absolutely loathes the holiday. While she takes down the very elaborate yard decorations something attacks her, hangs her body parts from the trees and puts her head on a stake. This first ten minutes hooked me and had me up late at night all the way to the end of film.

My first thought after seeing the trailer was, “This looks like a piece of shit.” When it didn’t come to my local theater and a dvd release looked nowhere in sight I felt like my thoughts were solidified. Last week, I found out it was coming out on DVD and got really excited that this “piece of shit” was going to grace my dvd player. Boy, was I wrong. From the vampires to the murderers to the zombies to the werewolves this flick was nonstop awesome and is definitely a buy and rewatch in my book.

Categories: New Movies, Shocktober

Nightmare on Elm Street – 2010

October 1, 2009 Leave a comment

Oh god, do I absolutely hate remakes and Michael Bay. Even though his production of Friday the 13th was alright, it wasn’t the greatest. Remakes, in general, are filled with some of the worst acting, writing, and sometimes production. I could go on and on about that, but I will try and keep that all behind me while I show you all the Nightmare On Elm St trailer. Due to premiere in April of 2010 this movies looks not to disappoint. Jackie Earle Haley, in my humble opinion, looks like Freddy Krueger without the makeup. So, hopefully, he won’t disappoint in this role. Even though, he already played a pedophile in the film Little Children, I think that decision was the right one. But, I will let you decide. I present to you, the trailer for Nightmare On Elm St.