G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

GI Joe Theatrical Poster

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Release Date:2009
Starring:Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans, Rachel Nichols, Ray Park
Director: Stephen Sommers
Rated PG-13

I will be up front with this movie. I did not grow up with G.I. Joe nor do I know any of the characters. Although, over time I have figured out their names, their ideals and come to my own conclusions. Also, I had no expectations when watching this movie. I went in believing that it was a stinker which is the reason I never saw it in theaters. Now, I bring you my full review of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

The movie starts out in 15th century France where they punish one of the clan members of the Scottish McCullen clan. He is punished for selling weapons to France’s enemy and he must wear an iron mask straight from the casting fire for the remainder of his life. He is now known to the people as Destro, destroyers of kingdoms. This is important information because in the not too distant future on of his ascendents, James McCullen(played by Christopher Eccleston), is now a weapons manufacturer selling weapons to the United States. When the Army is transporting the newest weapon from the manufacturer they are attacked by an unknown aircraft and soldiers that cannot be destroyed. After a somewhat Hollywood action segment The Joes, as they call themselves, intervene and help out our main characters that learn about the new covert operations regime.

Now, before I start berating this absolutely unbearabable piece of trash I want to showcase my initial thoughts of the film. If the characters weren’t live, but drawn like cartoons and this was a 20 minute television show then this would be a great movie. Otherwise, this movie isn’t terrible until someone starts talking. It was very funny to see how a lot of these great actors were able to portray such flamboyant cartoon characters so well. Let’s start with Channing Tatum who plays Duke. His acting was more robotic than Hayden Christiansen’s Anakin Skywalker. Everytime he either had a smart ass remark or sly one-liner I thought I was going to puke. Why doesn’t this man just go back to his tweeny bopper dance movies and leave action to people that can act better than he can. Now, Marlon Wayans is my least favorite of the Wayans family because he is just….not funny. I guess he was supposed to be the comic relief in this movie? His comedy and sly remarks towards Scarlet were so forced that it was funny because it was so stupid. Everyone acted decent except for the two main characters that we are made to believe are decorated war heroes which after 20 minutes I highly doubt. All they have are egos and what seems like basic boot camp training.

All in all I did not like this movie. It was such garbage with the stupid over the top action and poor acting. There is one thing, though, I believe that a sequel may be better than this one. Although G.I. Joe was utter trash of cinema, I think that a sequel might save it now that we understand where the characters come from and the cobra commander has been brought to light. Rent this or just wait for it to be shown in perpetuity on HBO soon. Do not buy this movie unless you have children under the age of six and can enjoy the crap that is filmed.